I Woke Up Again!

TRIGGER WARNING
I wrote this as a reflection of my childhood and adolescence. It’s very emotional for me and I’m not the best writer.

It’s morning, I woke up again
My dream did not come true
I guess I will face the world today
Although my thoughts are blue

Will they make it hard for me
To enjoy my life at all
Will I be the butt of jokes
Even though my tears they fall

No one seems to care about me
I feel like I’m ignored
My spirit has been broken
Will anyone know I’m scorned

I tried to take it all away
The heartache and the pain
I wanted to remove myself
From the world and their ugly games

It’s so easy for you to hurt me
To take away my joy
What purpose does it serve you
But to kill me oh so slow

Maybe tomorrow I won’t wake up
Like a prisoner set free
This prison of my body
I hate the image I see

So you are right, I have no worth
You’d be happy if I left this world
You’d never care at all
I guess I will leave this world

Wait, No, You have no power over me
I will and have risen above
What you wanted me to be
I am a survivor, A warrior for myself

To live, To Love, To be loved
Beautiful and Important
That is what I am
I’ll be here tomorrow to show you that I can!

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Who made “FAT” a four letter word?

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My entire life until recently, I have spent cringing over the word…fat.  Why?  Who made fat a bad word?  When did it become the epitome of negative? I wish I knew because I would love to go back and show that person what impact they would have on the world today.   And, sadly, it is super negative. Personally I am not sure it can be remedied, but I want to try.  I want to try for my children, future grandchildren and so on.

So let’s just discuss the word fat. Gosh it’s still hard to even type it. I find that immediately I feel bad when I hear the word no matter what it’s referencing. It is that ingrained in me that I just feel sad or bad. I really don’t know why I have allowed this simple adjective to dictate to me how I should feel. What I do know is that so much of my childhood was flooded with this “negative” descriptor that I can’t hear this word and not be transported back to elementary school. But that is all this word is…it’s a word.  It is used to describe an object.  It is nothing more. It has no real power.  It is no different than hot, cold, white, wet, dry and the list goes on.  All of the above are adjectives.  Simply a word use to describe something. What we have done is give this word negative power over us.  And we have allowed those that want to use this word as a negative towards us.

I’m still unsure as to why we as human beings find the need to tear someone else down.  I don’t know why we must discriminate, chastise, ridicule, belittle or harm another person. Some of this goes back to our own insecurities or just plain meanness. I really don’t know because I try very hard not to do such things, but I am human and I have not always been the best person I could be. Ultimately, we as fellow human beings should be protecting each other and not using our differences to make us more different.  We shouldn’t be using the things we don’t excel at against each other.  Beauty is most certainly in the eye of the beholder and the beholders of the world have varying definitions of beauty. And I am so happy that they do.  Most certainly I can see beauty in things others may not.

My challenge to myself is to not see the word fat as something negative.  Fat is what I am.  That’s no different than me stating any other obvious fact about myself.  I am female, I am white, I am 41 years old and the list goes on.  I am challenging myself to embrace the word fat as my descriptor and it not be negative.  Fat isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Now, don’t get me wrong here.  I am a medical professional and I understand health.  I am not advocating that fat and health are in no way related. I am, however, stating that  just because there is fat doesn’t always mean that you are unhealthy and you can not equate the two.  There is so much more involved than the simplicity of the word fat.  That is a whole other animal.

What I am also learning is that for those that have an issue with those who are “fat”, are the ones who need to search themselves for why they feel as they do.  Or why they feel the need to use the word fat negatively.  I have come to the conclusion that these people are the ones with the problem.  Is my fat offensive to you?  Why?  Do you feel the same way when seeing someone of another race, religion, gender? If the answer is no, then why does my size affect you?  It only affects you if you allow it.  And what if my fat doesn’t offend you? What if you are one of those who maybe prefers a woman with some rolls or larger hips and thighs….or whatever it may be? Shouldn’t you be allowed to enjoy what you enjoy without fear of being the outcast? There are actually men and women who prefer a larger sized person that live “in the closet”, so to speak. They can’t even be with a person of their preference because they are concerned about what others will think.  This is just crazy to me.  Since when did a person’s size affect their personality?

I could go on this way for far too long.  My point is that I challenge you to start to see this simple word, FAT, differently.  I challenge you to use it more and more in your daily life.  We need to desensitize our society to this descriptor.  Stop using it negatively and start loving what we are.  The truth of the matter is that we don’t all have to like the same thing.  But, we sure as hell don’t have to hate what is different either.  No one said you had to be unhappy if you are fat.  You can choose to be happy and you don’t need anyone’s permission for that.  That, my friend’s, is totally up to YOU! 

For me….I want to be healthy. I have struggled with being happy just the way I am, but I am finding that I can be happy, just the way I am.  Eventually…..  I don’t expect overnight success, but I know if I continue to work on the inside, that I can learn to love the outside too. And, loving the outside isn’t so bad.  Whether or not I am fat is not my first concern because I am learning that thin doesn’t equal healthy.  Healthy encompasses so much more. For now…I am learning to love my fat….and that is enough for me.

Reblog: Why Body-Shamers can kiss my (squidgy) butt!

My dear readers:
Please take a moment to read this very powerful blog. I fell in love with this message and  know many of you would feel the same! Inspiring!!!!

*I reblogged with permission of the author*

Why Body-Shamers can kiss my (squidgy) butt! – http://wp.me/p7600B-F9